Widmung

By now, I am nothing but a distant memory to everybody in English class. By now, I feel the same. But whether or not I have left an impression on people, good, bad, or any impresison at all, I do not believe that I've neither enjoyed this class, nor learned anything quite useful from this. THe only hopeful(?) thing I can say is that I did the best I could for as long as I could, and that I'm so sorry to the students and instructors I've failed this semester. If we meet again, perhaps things will be different. I wish the best for all of you. If this is the last you hear of me, then I wish a farewell. Let me know how you're all doing. My facebook is open, as well as any thoughts.

much love,

-Austin B. Han

why am i even doing this anymore?

A Tale of Two Campuses

This morning I had to get up early and take the morning bus to Central campus to turn in my English essay. What struck me as quite unusual were the characters of the students in Central. Being in a small music school, my everyday schedule would usually revolve around the same people in some form or another, whether it's sleeping on the couches, in class, rehearsing, etc. However, when I walk in Central campus, I see such a jarring in character. Even in my English class, I still am getting used to their company. Not that it's a bad thing, I'm simply not used to talking with people who specialize in brain science or actually engage in social activities. Is it because I've been revolved around musicians most of my teenage life? What characteristics makes up a college musician?

Great Expectations (but dissapointing results)

Even though I've been living the "college life" for about one and a half-years, I cannot help to look back at the experience of the Youth Orchestra's 2008 Germany and Czech Republic tour at least once a day. To say that tour was amazing is always going to be an understatement. To say that it was life-changing is a hint to it's significance on my life, both musically and emotionally, let alone physically. Ever since that tour, I have failed to identify my musicianship with anything less of what I've experienced, something which still goes on to this day.

Week 1 before tour: I was downstairs near the men's locker room relaxing on the couch (when it was still there). Upstairs, I heard the SFS rehearsing the 2nd movement of Dvorak's cello concerto. I knew that the soloist was Alicia Weilerstein, one of the newest superstars in classical music, ranking among Gustavo Dudamel and Lang Lang in their musical talents and age. Unfortunately, I did not know enough about Alicia to appreciate what was being played. She came here last month in Ann Arbor, and I'm still hitting my head against the wall for not seeing her perform, both here and in San Francisco.

Day 1 before tour: I cannot sleep. I'm still packing my red suitcase for what is going to be 3 weeks of concerts, walking tours, awkward conversations in German and English, and sleeping on the bus. I'm on Facebook chatting with fellow orchestra members about my excitement.

Rostock: Our first concert was in an old shipyard. Paint peels from the walls, dust piles on the floor, and pigeons lie on the rafters. Quite an exotic venue to perform in, but once we rehearsed, the sound was surprisingly warm and resonant. Let's hope the building doesn't (literally) fall down to Adam's Lollapalooza! Later that evening, after an enjoyable game of catch around our dinner venue, we start the concert. The audience seems to like us a lot, although the Adams might've been a tad loud for the small hall. What was the most surprising was our final encore, an Indian raga performed with spoken syllables. We get cheers and a standing ovation. We are looking forward to what this already rewarding tour can give us.

Berlin Philharmonie: Without dispute, the most important part of my musical career yet. I come early to the hall with another small group of friends to warm up and relax. A percussionist friend of mine and I take turns standing up at the conductor's podium (we are both aspiring conductors). We reflect back at all the Youtube videos we've seen of conductors and performers performing and recording in this concert hall: Karajan, Keibler, Barenboim, Kissen, MTT, Abbado, Dohnyani, Bernstein, Gergiev, Mutter, Perlman, the list goes on and on. The responsibility of maintaining such musical standards seems daunting, but once our concert is about to commence, we lose thoughts of intimidation and enjoy every moment of it. As I'm listening to the closing brass chorale of the 2nd movement of Dvorak, I think to myself, "I cannot believe that I am here, joining the legacy of great music."


As I write, I'm listening to the SFSYO recording or our concert in the Berlin Philharmonie, playing the closing chords of Dvorak's New World Symphony. As the orchestra gives their last powerful major chords, and as the winds and trumpet slowly and quietly withdraw the symphony to peace, I know that all great things, including Dvorak's New World Symphony, must come to an end. But perhaps that this 2008 tour is not the end of something great. Perhaps it's the start of a new beginning. I am looking forward to the day, that in 30 years, I will be back in the Philharmonie, as a section violist, or as the maestro. Only time, hard work, and fate can tell.

To be what you want to be, follow these instructionsc

From my experience, the most successful people in society seem to be people who enjoy what they are doing. One of my instructors at a university in cleveland told me, "If I love what I'm doing, do it." I find identification in my music, because I love to perform. There are more times that I can practice with pleasure than times when I practice for requirement.

Unfortunately, the university has changed that perspective in many ways. I understand the need for requirement classes in general. From what I'm told, requirements teach me the basics of what I want to study, or live with. From my experience, I've experienced a contrary. I've only been to michigan for a year and a half, but my required learning experiences has included: studying independently than to attend lectures by bumbling professors, reading textbooks assigned by professors who haven't read them, learning the differences of Gregorian chant, and learning how to properly argue the existence of self-identity. This can be useful to many people, but the most important question for me is, how will this help me land an orchestra job?

So for now, I will learn what is being prescribed to me. But if anybody is seeking out to apply to Michigan, I'd strongly ask them to talk to current students themselves rather than to go to the admissions office an watch testimonials. From what I see, Michigan is giving me the choice of identity, but is telling me the recipe of becoming that identity. I've always wanted to identify myself as a performance musician. But right now, more than ever, I feel as if I'm wasting my time learning material which I am becoming more and more disillusioned with. I'm being fed butter at a time when I feel I need bread.

Why the hell is Austin doing English homework on a Friday night?

The first thing you may wonder is, "Why the hell is Austin doing English homework on a Friday night?"

In answer to that question, my reply might come across to most as a highly pessimistic and cynical point of view.

As most of you might might not know, I came to Central Campus to get some electricity, since all of north campus lost power for the entire night. While I was doing my musicology essay at Expresso Royale on state street, I spent a lot of my time looking out the window, seeing some of the most diverse characters walking outside, some of them including middle aged men smoking blunts, one person dressed in flashy 80's garb, and countless college students whom I believe are being total frauds.

The idea of people being total frauds in public was an issue I raised in my first essay in English. In it, I criticized the behavior of people in public, behaving in a manner that is not genuine to what they really are. For example, if somebody in English class had a grudge against me, that person would not express that grudge in front of the class in fear of losing their respect to others.

This idea of "acting" felt very relevant as I was looking out the window today. There were so many college kids all spruced up and hyped for the most eventful night of the week (besides saturday?). Some were walking with bottles of vodka, others with five of their friends, most of them as a couple, all of them walking to either the Union or Necto. I can understand that most behave as such to let out some steam and relax after a long hectic week, but it's (what I believe is) the minority of those people that irritate me. From my experience, some of those people (especially the guys) go out to make themselves heard and seen amidst the ego-driven crowds, maybe grab themselves a cute girl to date for an added bonus. It can be my own fault and experience with such people that gives me this pov, but assuming I'm correct, I find it completely detrimental to others to act in a manner that is contrary to what you're true personality is.

I forgot where this blog post is being headed, I'll try to write more tomorrow.

My Epilogue

Hopefully by now you haven't fallen asleep reading this, no?

By the time I turned 18, I was given the complete freedom of making my own identity independent from my parents. While I was able to easily tweak my identity of clothing, eating habits, and maturity (or lack of maturity), the option of choosing what religion I wanted to believe in seemed like too heavy a subject to want to deal with.

It's probably now that I am in great need of a god. All my life, I was surrounded by religions of one form or another. The biggest obstacle that I find troubling are the consequences of my foreboding choice I will have to make. Will I join my extended Korean family's take on Christianity and call non-Christians evil? Or will I follow my stepfather's footsteps with a god that I feel truly exists, and earn the disgust of my extended Korean family? I've followed the road of postponing this decision (ie, atheism), but more recently, I've felt so ungrateful for what my life has turned into. Who can I thank for my loving parents, my two dogs, my education, or just life in general? Who's been answering my prayers and giving me so much to be grateful for?